The single one !

Another one bites the dust!!!

A common " figure of speech said when someone either dies or gets married"

During my 37 years of singledom, I've always had that single friend who relates! That single friend to fall back on for a good night of laughs, shits n giggles and hanging shit on so called miserable "married people!"

Today I find myself being the only 37year old single person IN THE WHOLE DAMN WORLD !!!!.

OMG, How the fuck did it get to this?????

How did getting old and single sneak up on me so fucking quickly?

Ive  always had the attitude of,  " if its meant to happen it will happen"

I still have that attitude! ... CLEARLY!

How is it  I'm the only one left  to be lonely and pathetic???

OK, I'm not really lonely and pathetic, I do love my life ... It would just be really nice to have at least  that booty call to turn to every now and then..

I never realised how important it is to come home to someone.. Yes I come home to my beloved pooches and their in sufferable need to please and love me, they listen to me but they also need me.

I think its important to establish a relationship with someone who doesn't actually need you, they just want you !
Those pooches of mine that fill my void of being in a relationship, can also make me worry the most!!!

Who will take care of them when I get really sick?

Then again .... Who will take care of me when I get really sick?

I thought about what will happen to my dogs  if I were to ever die before them???

That thought haunted me, I had anxiety and I went off into some weird world of fear and terror.

Yes, over the fucking dogs..

I'm certainly not afraid to die, I'm afraid of what I will leave behind.

If I had that special someone in my life, would my fear be resolved, or would I be more afraid ????

INSOMNIA

Often people with an invisible illness will complain of being fatigued, sore, in pain, itchy and sleep deprived!

Funny that huh..

You complain of fatigue, no wonder .. YOU'RE FUCKING SLEEP DEPRIVED!!!!

Well to me, fatigue and tired are two different things...

Tired is when you have worked or partied to hard and just need a good damn sleep and recovery session.

Fatigued is when no matter how much sleep, exercise and dragging your sorry ass off the couch to go live some semi normal style of life .. You are still literally fucked.. Fatigue fucks you. There is no help for it.

Any rational person would think, If you're so damn tired, why cant you sleep???

I  have asked  myself this question daily, for the past 2 weeks.

I'm currently averaging 3 hours sleep a night.

I have experienced fatigue in mild and extreme forms  for the past 7 years. I tend to have bouts of insomnia no matter how bloody fatigued I am.

The weird thing is, in my bouts of insomnia, I tend to feel less fatigued.

Maybe that's the problem, I'm way to alert.

I recently started taking Prednisone after a pretty painful flare up of  the  Mixed Connective Tissue Disease..

I 've been arguing with my Rheumy for a year about going on it,I declined it  in all forms.. But this flare up got me, so I caved in and started taking it.

It has been a miracle drug in some aspects.. I'm not awake every 2 hours in pain, I can stretch now without my whole body feeling it and I have some energy again..
I'm not feeling as depressed , because my body wont let me do what I want to do .

However, it kicked in the insomnia.  (and getting fatter again, quickly)

Is there anything more frustrating, than knowing you just need a good night sleep and all will be perfect again.
Then finding yourself staring at ceiling for hours on end, and  cringing over every little mistake you have made in life since birth?

Every single fuck up in my life, I have re lived 20 times over in the past two weeks.

I've cringed

I've cried

I got fucking pissed off ..

All past mistakes I have learned from.

I thought I had moved on from them.

Maybe not.

 I wonder if this is the disease, the new drugs or the actual past keeping me awake.

Who knows?

Who bloody cares, Just let me fucking sleep!

The booze train !!!!

So I've Been told to avoid alcohol since my diagnosis of PBC !

I always knew I drank to much , but never enough to let it worry me.

My Doc tells me I can consume it  moderately on"special occasions" , but to a person who sees every weekend as a special occasion , how does one make a wise judgement?

Please keep in mind, I don't have this disease from alcohol!

I was watching RPA the other day .

 A 27 year old woman with one child has PSC. She needs a liver transplant. Watching her go through the raw honesty of needing a transplant made me scared, white as a ghost, poo my pants a little!!!

I hope I will never face that option, but there is a chance I will.

I never considered myself an alcoholic. I've always loved the odd drop or 19 of wine in my time. But never thought I relied on it.

Since going through diagnosis, and being told to avoid alcohol, I've recently discovered I do in fact have an issue with alcohol.

It was either my relaxation device, or my way to socialise.

I've find it extremely to hard to relax now after a hard shift at work. I can no longer shake off the what personal drama went down , no longer able to drown out the emotions I feel!

I also find myself now struggling to socialise.

Don't get me wrong, I still go out for awesome dinners with my girls (whom have been an amazing support to me ) .

 Yet , I still feel not myself.

The old drunk, funny but obnoxious me has disappeared with my wine.. And I'm not happy about it..

I want my wine and money back . 

I am certainly not the same party girl my friends signed me up for.  I'm sure they miss her, some probably don't..  But I know ,I do !

I haven't lost my humour, yet it takes me longer to find it.

I have never gone through withdrawal symptoms since quitting booze, never had the shakes, cold sweats or gone to desperate measures to get my hands on it!

I have however had a few times where I've had a couple of drinks, just longing for my old life. Unfortunately for me, its had no effect and only made me feel crappy for days afterwards !

I cant help but compare myself to P!NK's brilliant song "Sober"

"How do I feel this good sober?"

I'm gonna own 2015

I haven't posted since 2014.  Its been busy.

Soooo.....Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone. I hope Festivus  was amazing for you all, I hope the food was delicious, the company was brilliant and funny, and I hope the New Year was filled with hope .

We all tend to bring in the New Year with a resolution... Unfortunately, we can be left feeling like idiots because we didn't stick to them or achieve them..

So instead of making a New Years Resolution, I'm going to just make a list of things I'd like to do... And you know what, if I don't manage to achieve them all in a year, I'll just keep on trying.

Here's my list, lets see how many I can tick off.

1. To get my dogs trained :  I can no longer bare  my visitors getting covered in dog drool, awkward walks worrying if we will bump into another dog and an all in brawl happening and of course chewed furniture.

2. To go on a holiday : I want a beach, fun, sun , water and cute men to check out.

3. To get my visits to a specialist down to once a year! Fuck this every three months bullshit and blood tests every fortnight . (Mind you I'd be happy to see the sexy specialist every week)

4. To be more open to finding love.

5. To get a new job or career!

6. To look after me .

7. To learn to be comfortable socialising without my beloved wine (I've been working on this one for a while now)

That's all I'm going to try for this year.

Hell getting the dogs trained will take up most of my year! HA!

What's your dreams for 2015?

Lets own 2015 !

The two main men in my life !

Roofus!

Woodrow !

 

I somehow managed to land these two boisterous, crazy, loveable brothers in my life , two and half years ago .

 

They have caused me grief,  bankruptcy , endless amounts of furniture, plant life, my mortgage papers , computers , socks , shoes and Bra's.

 

Our strolls together are bliss, as long as we don't come across another dog, human, or some form of wildlife.

 

They are both joined at the hip, best buddy's!! 

But they can fight so hard core they scar each other , or play so hard together they both vomit. (Of course, usually on my rug!)

 

If you ever come to my front door, please expect them to bark like vicious wolf dogs.

That bark can drive anyone insane .

Be afraid, be very afraid.

 

However, If I let you in, please expect them to jump on you, lick you to death and leave a severe amount of slobber on your clothes.

 

The thing that makes me love them so much is all of the above!!!

 

They do all these things for a reason, and that reason is me!

 

They eat all my stuff because they are bored, I've left them all day to go to work and got home so tired I couldn't take them for their walk.

 

They get anxious around other dogs and kids because they can feel my fears and distrust .

They fight over my attention.

 

They play so hard because they know it makes me laugh .

 

They bark ferociously to let me know there is a stranger there, they do this to protect me.

 

They will jump, lick , and slobber on you, because clearly , you are cool if I let you into my home and they are happy to meet you.

 

They give the best cuddles ever...

 

No one else could ever be this bat shit crazy for me!

 

Love you Woody and Roofy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Believe in your body !

In January of this year , I was diagnosed with 2 different autoimmune diseases, it's now progressed to four.  I have Primary Biliary Cirrhosis , Scleroderma, Mixed Connective Tissue Disease and Hashimoto's.

I cant be bothered going into what each of them are, so if your interested in knowing... Google it!

All pretty much invisible diseases, all incurable, all auto immune.. So before all the people I know in real life start bantering about " well u should stop drinking" rant.. please know that this disease had nothing to do to with my former party girl self.  It didn't start it, It didn't help it, but its not the cause...

I do not have alcohol induced cirrhosis, in fact , I don't even have cirrhosis.

Basically, my own body hates my stinking guts and wants to kill me!

I used to be a hairdresser, and was diagnosed with Carpel Tunnel that was operated on at least ten years ago. These were my first symptoms. Pins and needles in the hands , complete numbness in arms , shoulders and fingers.. Particularly in the middle of the night. It got so bad it woke me up and kept me up for hours.

I was assured that after the surgery , I'd be feeling a whole lot better.. And I sort of did... In the hand that was operated on.

But I still felt weirdness, swelling and pain in my left hand.. along with a lot of fatigue. I was again assured it would correct itself in time, once I stopped compensating for the damage done to the right hand.

A year later, I'm still feeling fatigued and numbness in my left had.. I go to my GP.. he tells me I need a massage and a holiday, and its time to quit hairdressing. I take his advice and move into disability work, use that massage voucher  and take a great holiday.

3 years on,I'm still whingeing... My GP orders yet another nerve conduction test and a Liver Function Test . .. It comes back clear of Carpal Tunnel. My Liver Function was unusually high, he asks me how much I was drinking.. I told him the truth... I binge drink mainly, but can drink up to 4 nights a week. One night a week on the binge.. He wasn't concerned.  So get this.... he tells me to "Get a boyfriend".. " All you need is a man in your life !!!"

I literally told him to get fucked... and move on believing my symptoms must be all in my head. At this stage the fatigue was so much stronger and  was starting to take over .

Another 3 years rolls by, I'm crying in his office , telling him I'm just to tired .. I'm just to sore , I'm getting very depressed because I cant function normally.  He sends me for more LFT, and another nerve conduction test. I hear nothing from him... nor from the specialist that preformed the nerve conduction test. He tells me to go get hand therapy, orders different bloods and says see you in 6 months.. LFT'S are much higher, but no need for concern.

3 months later I get diagnosed with my 2n'd bout of pneumonia.. I go to this random  doctor that bulk bills knowing I just need rest and antibiotics... (my regular GP charged me 90 bucks for that ) .

This lady was more concerned about me having pneumonia for the 2nd time in 1 year, she asked for permission to gather all my medical info...

Thank god she did.. Turned out I was a very sick girl... and without the treatment I'm getting now, I would not of had a good prognosis. I actually dread the thought of what could of been .

My prognosis is now a hell of a lot better than 11 months ago.. Already! Its still not the best situation ever, but.... One cannot complain!  

Yes, my disease is not curable, its progressive .. but thanks to amazing care from my specialists and new GP, I am feeling great again.  I could not be more thankful to them.

My point of writing this blog is to warn everyone... LISTEN TO YOUR BODY !!!

A doctor can't feel what you feel, so if his/her diagnosis  (of getting a boyfriend) doesn't feel right, seek a second opinion.. or a third, fourth or fifth opinion if u must. Make your doctor listen to you.

Believe in your body.. It knows you better than anyone!!!!

Listen Like Theives,

Michael Hutchence at his finest . He just oozes sex in this clip.