The single one !

Another one bites the dust!!!

A common " figure of speech said when someone either dies or gets married"

During my 37 years of singledom, I've always had that single friend who relates! That single friend to fall back on for a good night of laughs, shits n giggles and hanging shit on so called miserable "married people!"

Today I find myself being the only 37year old single person IN THE WHOLE DAMN WORLD !!!!.

OMG, How the fuck did it get to this?????

How did getting old and single sneak up on me so fucking quickly?

Ive  always had the attitude of,  " if its meant to happen it will happen"

I still have that attitude! ... CLEARLY!

How is it  I'm the only one left  to be lonely and pathetic???

OK, I'm not really lonely and pathetic, I do love my life ... It would just be really nice to have at least  that booty call to turn to every now and then..

I never realised how important it is to come home to someone.. Yes I come home to my beloved pooches and their in sufferable need to please and love me, they listen to me but they also need me.

I think its important to establish a relationship with someone who doesn't actually need you, they just want you !
Those pooches of mine that fill my void of being in a relationship, can also make me worry the most!!!

Who will take care of them when I get really sick?

Then again .... Who will take care of me when I get really sick?

I thought about what will happen to my dogs  if I were to ever die before them???

That thought haunted me, I had anxiety and I went off into some weird world of fear and terror.

Yes, over the fucking dogs..

I'm certainly not afraid to die, I'm afraid of what I will leave behind.

If I had that special someone in my life, would my fear be resolved, or would I be more afraid ????

INSOMNIA

Often people with an invisible illness will complain of being fatigued, sore, in pain, itchy and sleep deprived!

Funny that huh..

You complain of fatigue, no wonder .. YOU'RE FUCKING SLEEP DEPRIVED!!!!

Well to me, fatigue and tired are two different things...

Tired is when you have worked or partied to hard and just need a good damn sleep and recovery session.

Fatigued is when no matter how much sleep, exercise and dragging your sorry ass off the couch to go live some semi normal style of life .. You are still literally fucked.. Fatigue fucks you. There is no help for it.

Any rational person would think, If you're so damn tired, why cant you sleep???

I  have asked  myself this question daily, for the past 2 weeks.

I'm currently averaging 3 hours sleep a night.

I have experienced fatigue in mild and extreme forms  for the past 7 years. I tend to have bouts of insomnia no matter how bloody fatigued I am.

The weird thing is, in my bouts of insomnia, I tend to feel less fatigued.

Maybe that's the problem, I'm way to alert.

I recently started taking Prednisone after a pretty painful flare up of  the  Mixed Connective Tissue Disease..

I 've been arguing with my Rheumy for a year about going on it,I declined it  in all forms.. But this flare up got me, so I caved in and started taking it.

It has been a miracle drug in some aspects.. I'm not awake every 2 hours in pain, I can stretch now without my whole body feeling it and I have some energy again..
I'm not feeling as depressed , because my body wont let me do what I want to do .

However, it kicked in the insomnia.  (and getting fatter again, quickly)

Is there anything more frustrating, than knowing you just need a good night sleep and all will be perfect again.
Then finding yourself staring at ceiling for hours on end, and  cringing over every little mistake you have made in life since birth?

Every single fuck up in my life, I have re lived 20 times over in the past two weeks.

I've cringed

I've cried

I got fucking pissed off ..

All past mistakes I have learned from.

I thought I had moved on from them.

Maybe not.

 I wonder if this is the disease, the new drugs or the actual past keeping me awake.

Who knows?

Who bloody cares, Just let me fucking sleep!

The booze train !!!!

So I've Been told to avoid alcohol since my diagnosis of PBC !

I always knew I drank to much , but never enough to let it worry me.

My Doc tells me I can consume it  moderately on"special occasions" , but to a person who sees every weekend as a special occasion , how does one make a wise judgement?

Please keep in mind, I don't have this disease from alcohol!

I was watching RPA the other day .

 A 27 year old woman with one child has PSC. She needs a liver transplant. Watching her go through the raw honesty of needing a transplant made me scared, white as a ghost, poo my pants a little!!!

I hope I will never face that option, but there is a chance I will.

I never considered myself an alcoholic. I've always loved the odd drop or 19 of wine in my time. But never thought I relied on it.

Since going through diagnosis, and being told to avoid alcohol, I've recently discovered I do in fact have an issue with alcohol.

It was either my relaxation device, or my way to socialise.

I've find it extremely to hard to relax now after a hard shift at work. I can no longer shake off the what personal drama went down , no longer able to drown out the emotions I feel!

I also find myself now struggling to socialise.

Don't get me wrong, I still go out for awesome dinners with my girls (whom have been an amazing support to me ) .

 Yet , I still feel not myself.

The old drunk, funny but obnoxious me has disappeared with my wine.. And I'm not happy about it..

I want my wine and money back . 

I am certainly not the same party girl my friends signed me up for.  I'm sure they miss her, some probably don't..  But I know ,I do !

I haven't lost my humour, yet it takes me longer to find it.

I have never gone through withdrawal symptoms since quitting booze, never had the shakes, cold sweats or gone to desperate measures to get my hands on it!

I have however had a few times where I've had a couple of drinks, just longing for my old life. Unfortunately for me, its had no effect and only made me feel crappy for days afterwards !

I cant help but compare myself to P!NK's brilliant song "Sober"

"How do I feel this good sober?"

I'm gonna own 2015

I haven't posted since 2014.  Its been busy.

Soooo.....Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone. I hope Festivus  was amazing for you all, I hope the food was delicious, the company was brilliant and funny, and I hope the New Year was filled with hope .

We all tend to bring in the New Year with a resolution... Unfortunately, we can be left feeling like idiots because we didn't stick to them or achieve them..

So instead of making a New Years Resolution, I'm going to just make a list of things I'd like to do... And you know what, if I don't manage to achieve them all in a year, I'll just keep on trying.

Here's my list, lets see how many I can tick off.

1. To get my dogs trained :  I can no longer bare  my visitors getting covered in dog drool, awkward walks worrying if we will bump into another dog and an all in brawl happening and of course chewed furniture.

2. To go on a holiday : I want a beach, fun, sun , water and cute men to check out.

3. To get my visits to a specialist down to once a year! Fuck this every three months bullshit and blood tests every fortnight . (Mind you I'd be happy to see the sexy specialist every week)

4. To be more open to finding love.

5. To get a new job or career!

6. To look after me .

7. To learn to be comfortable socialising without my beloved wine (I've been working on this one for a while now)

That's all I'm going to try for this year.

Hell getting the dogs trained will take up most of my year! HA!

What's your dreams for 2015?

Lets own 2015 !