INSOMNIA

Often people with an invisible illness will complain of being fatigued, sore, in pain, itchy and sleep deprived!

Funny that huh..

You complain of fatigue, no wonder .. YOU'RE FUCKING SLEEP DEPRIVED!!!!

Well to me, fatigue and tired are two different things...

Tired is when you have worked or partied to hard and just need a good damn sleep and recovery session.

Fatigued is when no matter how much sleep, exercise and dragging your sorry ass off the couch to go live some semi normal style of life .. You are still literally fucked.. Fatigue fucks you. There is no help for it.

Any rational person would think, If you're so damn tired, why cant you sleep???

I  have asked  myself this question daily, for the past 2 weeks.

I'm currently averaging 3 hours sleep a night.

I have experienced fatigue in mild and extreme forms  for the past 7 years. I tend to have bouts of insomnia no matter how bloody fatigued I am.

The weird thing is, in my bouts of insomnia, I tend to feel less fatigued.

Maybe that's the problem, I'm way to alert.

I recently started taking Prednisone after a pretty painful flare up of  the  Mixed Connective Tissue Disease..

I 've been arguing with my Rheumy for a year about going on it,I declined it  in all forms.. But this flare up got me, so I caved in and started taking it.

It has been a miracle drug in some aspects.. I'm not awake every 2 hours in pain, I can stretch now without my whole body feeling it and I have some energy again..
I'm not feeling as depressed , because my body wont let me do what I want to do .

However, it kicked in the insomnia.  (and getting fatter again, quickly)

Is there anything more frustrating, than knowing you just need a good night sleep and all will be perfect again.
Then finding yourself staring at ceiling for hours on end, and  cringing over every little mistake you have made in life since birth?

Every single fuck up in my life, I have re lived 20 times over in the past two weeks.

I've cringed

I've cried

I got fucking pissed off ..

All past mistakes I have learned from.

I thought I had moved on from them.

Maybe not.

 I wonder if this is the disease, the new drugs or the actual past keeping me awake.

Who knows?

Who bloody cares, Just let me fucking sleep!